Hi everyone!! I’m here, I’m doing okay. Let me catch everyone up on the holidays, my health, and just my overall happyhippiness.
I’ve missed you dear bloggy-readers, (all seven of you, ha). To those who’ve missed me and checked in on me, thank you. And to those who just read, I’m thankful for you too! (((hugs)))
Today’s post is a long one, but I think it’s a real gem. Enjoy!
Post-Thanksgiving Catch Up
We had a lovely Thanksgiving.
Duggs and I woke up, put on the parade and got to cooking, baking and smooching. Yeah. We smooch a lot. I love watching the parade, just so I can get all annoyed at it’s cheesiness and weirdness, it’s so so so commercialized it’s just like a two mile long inflatable advertisement. Bee tee dubs, when I just wrote advertisement, I totes pronounced it the Brirtish way in my head, so please do so while reading. It’s much more sophisticated. Ad-vert-is-ment.
Moving along… So ole Duggs and I baked and cooked, and it was fun. Christmas music was playing and I was just so happy. I LOVE the holidays. I miss my family, but to celebrate the entire holiday season with my husband: amazing!! what a gift!!
We spent the day with some great friends, here on base. The Tanners (of course, we heart the Tanners so hard!), our friend Chiffon came and our friend Dana. So six people total. Luckily, we cooked for about thirty, so the leftovers abounded! Score!
On Being Thankful
I have so much to be thankful for now. It would take up shifty-five blog posts to even list it all. I try so hard to focus my daily prayer on thanksgiving year-round. This season is a great opportunity to reflect on our blessings, to immerse in gratefulness for what we already have.
Also coming along with this season: the temptation to want want want, to shop, to desire things. The temptation to become materialistic is immense. In order to shop for others, we see many other things we want. I’m going to write another blog about gift-giving and my process and etc.
But to summarize the concept of being thankful on Thanksgiving: I am.
- Thank you God, for life, for your Grace, for everything.
- Thank you family, thank you friends, for your love. I need you all so much.
- Thank you kind strangers, the little random angels that were at the right place at the right time to just get me through.
- Thank you people who have allowed me to learn, facilitated the improvement of my health, offered me comfort.
- Thank you United States Marine Corps for training my husband, bringing hom home safely, for putting a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, for taking care of our medical needs.
- Thank you Hawaii for being beautiful.
- Thank you church family for loving me, fostering my faith, giving me chances to love on my community and do good works, teach children, help those in need.
- Thank you tie dye customers for your support and belief in me.
- Thank you Cletus, for teaching me a special kind of love I never knew. I miss you greatly and severely.
- Thank you JJ, how would I have ever survived this year without you?
- Thank you Matthew Duggan, your relentless love, patience, care, charm, wit, strength, protection and devotion keep me alive in every literal and metaphorical way. I love you so much.
- I am so thankful for TV, giggles, my warm and safe home, snacks, cold clean water, hot clean water, the Bible, Scentsy warmers, baked goods, art, music, I could go on and on and on…
So after Thanksgiving, we spent Saturday watching the MICHIGAN/ohiostateblah game at my pal Trish’s house. Since the game came on at 7:00am here, we had a breakfast party!
Thanksgiving weekend was a mix of awesomeness and awfulness.
Awesome, because Duggs got a 96 from work (four days off!). I really wanted to hike one day, maybe snorkel. The weather wasn’t suited for it though, it was rainy and dreary most of the time. I prefer exploring Hawaii on super sunny days!
It was awful because of how I was feeling. My ear and thus my face/under-eye-area/cheekbone all started hurting. All the plans we had for the long weekend were dumped and we spent the whole time, sans Thanksgiving Day and the Michigan game, planted in front of the TV. We actually went on a huge movie streak and I did some Christmas-crafts, card designing, and present planning.
So… I just had to take it easy. Rest. Lay down. All of which I really don’t care for. I’m a mover and a shaker, a dancer and prancer. I was in a lot of pain, and just really not doing well.
On Sunday night I got ambitious. I know know know I’m not supposed to so much as touch a drop of alcohol. And while I don’t really mind being dry, every now and then I just miss it. That missing it has become harder around the holidays. Spiced wine. Eggnog. New Year’s champagne. I cannot partake in any of it and it’s bumming me out.
Sunday night I told Duggs that I wanted to try some wine.
Sweet Duggs went out and picked up a bottle of red. A nice pinot noir. I had about half a glass, was enjoying it. Then bam! All of a sudden it hit me and it was all over from there. My throat was burning. My tongue, swelling. I was getting hot and clammy and I was so incredibly nauseous I couldn’t move. We busted out the saltines and ginger ale, and I just held on. We prayed. We prayed so hard. And eventually, it came to pass.
Because of the porphyria, my liver just cannot metabolize ETOH like a normal liver could or would. My doctor suggested it may have been the red wine, and that if I’d like, I can try something different. However, that risk of feeling acutely crappy is pretty impressive. I felt MISERABLE. Like, downright awful.
On Monday morning, I woke up feeling better. I went on a decorating and cleaning rampage. I gave this house the deepest cleaning I have since Homecoming! I was on hand and knee scrubbing out every nook and cranny. This place is sparkling. Seriously.
I cleaned so hard I was sore the next day and I chipped my nail polish, *gasp*, the horror, I know. Don’t worry, I fixed them on Tuesday. Monday night I started slowing down and the pain started creeping back. I assume I pushed myself a bit too hard on Monday.
Tuesday. I woke up feeling okay again. My ear was hurting a bit, but I decided to push through and go for a run. Post-workout I felt amazing! Runner’s high, endorphines, it’s all good and they really do make me feel better. It’s natural pain relief.
After lunch my friend Lynnie called, and as we were chatting I decorated the Christmas Tree, lights, ornaments and all. I’m so proud that I cranked it out in like two hours! I had a lovely catch-up with my darling pal (thanks for calling, Lynn, I love you!).
Then… it hit me. A wave of pain came over me that was so incredible all I could was just lay on the couch and text. I was texting Duggs explicatives. We discussed going to the E.R. I didn’t know what to do.
I realized my super tight sports bra was still on from my run. The straps pull hard on my shoulder, which then trigger neck and ear pain. It sounds weak, or maybe bizarre. But this whole area of my body is so tender, inflamed, wacky, that even a simple touch like a shoulder squeeze can set me off into barrels of pain. Hours of uber tight sports bra = crazy amounts of ouch.
I just layed out on the couch. I cried. I packed myself with ice. And I just hoped and hoped it would go away.
It was bad. We (Duggs and I) discussed going to the E.R. My two main docs are both out on holiday leave though, and I so hate to go to the ER blind, without someone who knows the particulars of my case to be there to help out. (And that’s not snotty… someone unfamiliar with porphyria could accidentally make me super ill, or even kill me; also, explaining my whole medical history takes an hour, the meds I’m on are staggering and I hate explaining them all, and I just get stressed out dealing with new hands in the mix – which I know is inevitable – but it is what it is).
Tuesday evening I felt the worst, strongest, most direct pain I’d felt in a long, long time. I could have sworn an ice pick was being jabbed into my ear and going through to my cheekbone and under my eye. Just miserable. I couldn’t concentrate, think, do anything.
I decided to stay home, to ride it out. I posted this on FB the next day:
it’s been a really rough week/ten days. i was miserable on thanksgiving – but i was having such a nice time with my friends – i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. the whole long weekend was ROUGH. it’s just been crappy lately.
i’m staying positive and optimistic, and my faith is really getting me through. my lovely amazing husband helps a lot too ♥
but, i’m being honest: it’s been rough. i’m not well, and i’m not sure what we’ll try next, what there is to try next. all my docs are on holiday leave till next week =(
[thank you miles!!] i know i’m known for being so cheerful and upbeat, but there comes a time when i have to just be honest and admit that’s it’s been harder than i make it seem.
something HAS to give, i just know it. God has brought me through many many challenges before, and i just know He’ll do it again. and through every struggle i’ve endured, amazing good has come from it. so my hubs and i just keep examining and seeking… looking for the good that will come out of this, the lessons we can learn, the path this is leading us down. and well, we have ideas, but we’re still in the weeds. hindsight is always 20/20, so once we’re out of this, i’m sure we’ll have gained much from it. it’s just no fun going through it!
…it’s tough. but when bad things happen, when times get rough, He pulls me out and dusts me off and shows me some good that has come of it. even cancer.
loss is hard to understand. death, pain, suffering…
but i trust Him. that was my prayer last night. i was literally ailing, just tears rolling down my face from the pain and the anguish and frustration of being in so much pain for so long. and i just prayed, “i trust You. now, get me through this, please.”
so we’ll see. cancer made me a better person, times a million. i was just rotten beforehand. mean, bitchy, bitter, jealous, etc. cancer slowed me down, gave me appreciation – made me NICE. i’m tellin ya… i wasn’t always sugary sweet.
Wednesday was much better. Still in pain, but it was calming down. I was starting to rope it in and get ahead of it.
I worked on some crafts, took it easy, and just tried to focus on feeling good and calm, asking peace into my body. Inviting Grace to just come in and soothe. And it started working a little bit. Thank God.
Wednesday afternoon Duggs and I had doctor’s appointments and errands. During and afterwards my ear was just aching.
We came home and had a veg out night, and I just had to ice and take it easy. It’s just been a rocky road lately.
Today is Thursday. I woke up feeling alright and I’m trying to be productive. I’m doing lots of chores, working on a romantical surprise for Duggs, sprinkling some more Christmas flavor around the house.
I have a lot I want to talk about, but I don’t want to have this textual diarrhea and blurt it all out in an unthoughtful manner. I need to write and edit before I post. I’m thinking about opening up the floodgates to some feelings I’ve been plastering in for a while.
Losing my health is something worth grieving. I’ve been really emotional lately whenever I think of past memories that highlight my vitality and strength, like my English Channel Expedition, for example. On a related note, I actually went swimming recently and I was so slow. It left me sad and longing for when I was quick, sure of my physical self, toned and in shape.
But, it’s not a total wash. Not by a long shot. I’m still so very able-bodied and well in many many ways. I must keep that in mind, be grateful for the many parts that do work, and the oddles of things I can do.
On the worst of days, this medical malady of mine is debilitating. Sure. But I have okay days, good days and wonderful days on which I’m able to do quite a lot.
I have no idea how I could maintain a work schedule while I’m in this condition. My docs don’t consider me stable enough to work, and it’s hard taking criticism from people for not having a job. It’s been really hurting my feelings lately. I WISH I was working right now, I WISH I was doing what a normal, healthy person of my age would be doing.
Similarly, we want to start a family soon. But with my meds, it is out of the question. And there’s no end in sight. I have no idea, no clue, how long I’ll be on these meds or when something will work. Family planning is 100% on hold now. And after the miscarriage, it’s hard to have zero clue when we can try again. It’s very painful, and I don’t think many people realize how that feels.
So yeah, I have more to say, but I want to say it carefully and tactfully. In the meantime, at least I’ve come this far in opening up my vulnerability and being honest about what’s really going on. I am happy, and positive, optimistic. I do smile. But I also cringe and cry, I worry and I get upset. I feel loss and sadness, and most often: physical pain. There’s two sides to this whole thing, and I think I can show both now.
As always – thank you for reading !! xoxo, hhr
P.S. I totally have so many blog posts I’m just dying to type out and put up! More fun stuff, less heavy stuff, too. Like: Holiday craft and gift ideas, more cruelty-free product reviews! Christmas tie dye, Making your own giftwrap (a fave of mine for years now!), etc. I want to post about giving, and what orgs Duggs and I are giving to this year. So, I’ll try and get back on a more regular blogging schedule, I mean it.